I used to think my life was horrible. That nothing I did was right and no matter how hard I tried, I could never get ahead. I used to pray for the day when things would be okay. Now they never will.
Imagine that you got in a really bad car crash yesterday but you didn’t break any bones. You wake up in the morning and your neck is stiff and your back is killing you and walking just seems unbearable. Now imagine a week goes by and you’re still not feeling any better. Now a month. Now a year. That is my life times 1000.
I find myself talking to “Lyme disease” as if it were a person. A person who came in and beat me with a bat and left me for dead. I ask what I did to deserve this? I cry begging it to leave me alone. I pray that one day some miracle will happen and I won’t feel this way anymore.
Lyme disease took away my strength to go hang out with friends, go shopping, and to just enjoy a nice day. It took away my ability to climb stairs on a regular basis. On some days it took my sanity and sense of feeling human.
What it didn’t take…
Was my family. The light in my childrens eyes. The love they have for me just because I’m their mom.
It didn’t take away my amazing fiance’. The one who supports me and helps me on a daily basis just to do reguar basic things.
It didn’t take away all the blessings that I know I have.
It didn’t take away the people who really mattered. It just weeded out the ones that I know don’t love me.
It didn’t take away my soul. The strength that I have to fight every day even though I don’t realize I’m fighting. Even on the days that I can’t do anything because I’m in so much pain that I can’t move. I’m still fighting. I can smile and know that I’m a fighter.
The lack of education people have on the topic is heartbreaking. 1 year ago I was part of them. I didn’t have a clue what Lyme disease was or how it could effect a person or the people around them. The tears it could cause. The intense pain it could actually cause. When I was younger and just praying to be an adult because I wanted to do all the fun things with out anyone telling me I couldn’t, I didn’t know that Lyme disease would take it all away from me.
Being 26 and having to use a cane on the bad days is no picnic. The stares I get from people. The judgment on their faces. I didn’t know that I would have to deal with the mental pain of having to tell people “no I can’t hang out today” or “no I can’t help you, sorry.” I didn’t know that I would have to push so many people out of my life because Lyme disease came in and took over.
Being a mother of twins, having blood clots in my lungs at the age of 23 and being in 2 car crashes, I thought I knew pain.Turns out I didn’t have even a little sense of it. I can’t explain the pain I’m in all the time. No pills help, no cremes, no hot packs. I have an amazing support system now… Of other people with Lyme disease who know what I’m feeling. Who can tell me that I’m not crazy. I appreciate them more then they ever realize, I can only hope that I have helped at least one of them and they appreciate me.
All I can do now is try to educate people that don’t understand, teach myself to ignore the immaturity of people because of their lack of knowledge. Educate myself even more because every day something changes.
Maybe one day I will wake up and be “normal” again. Maybe I’ll be able to go a whole day and actually be able to accomplish everything I intended on doing. Maybe one day I’ll feel human again. Maybe one day, A miracle will happen.