There is nothing you’re going to tell me about my disorder that I don’t already know. Its what keeps me from doing things in the middle of the day with the people I love and what wakes me up in the middle of the night with cold sweats; so if anyone knows about it best, its me. If you want to understand it, thank you. But please do not try and tell me that it’s stress or that it’s me being angry about something. Because I can tell you right now the only thing I’m angry about is the fact that you’re trying to tell me about something you have no experience with.
Let me explain this in the simplest way possible… Anxiety is something unplanned. Something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and something I have no control over. It is the worst part of my day when it occurs and when it diminishes I’m only thinking about the next time it will choose me as its target. It’s fear. It’s worry. It’s knowing that what you’ve done, witnessed, or are going to do isn’t going to settle well with your mind even if it settles well with you. You can tell yourself as many times as you please that you’re okay and that you did nothing wrong but at 5o’clock in the morning your body will be there to tell you that you were wrong and you need to be anxious about it.
It’s scary. It’s a very scary thing that can effect every aspect of your life. It’s something that can separate you from someone. It’s something that can can bring you closer with someone else. And it’s something that not everyone knows how to deal with. The people that know how to comfort you when your having an anxiety attack… they’re gifts from God.
For the people who think that it is as simple as relaxing, you are horribly mistaken my friend. It is as complicated as feeling ungrounded with two feet planted on the floor. Our bodies go into fight or flight, something our bodies do in response to fear or danger. Getting grounded again… that is the most difficult task of all. It can last 2 minutes or can last 2 hours, it all depends on what your body feels is most appropriate for the situation. I’ve learned over the years that there is no cure for anxiety. You can medicate and meditate and work on trying to bring yourself back to stability… but it will never be cured. It is only treated. And each persons anxiety is different, which is why treatment is so difficult.
Now you may be saying to yourself, well there must be a trigger. But just like the treatment, the trigger for each person is different as well. And it unfortunately is not always simple to pinpoint. A person could have one trigger and they have it memorized or if they’re like me, the triggers are limitless. I’ve tried meditating, I’ve tried talking, I’ve tried grounding myself with the five senses, I’ve tried removing myself from triggers; but at the end of the day my anxiety comes back to haunt me. It isn’t something I want so don’t think it’s me wanting attention. I’m not asking for your pity, just your understanding that when I look like I’m going insane, know that I’m in a war with my own body.
So to those of you that have no idea what fighting anxiety is like, don’t try and pretend like you do because you’re only going to make yourself look stupid.